a new year

so a year of life a year of parenting a. of course its all documented here. from the 1.5 kilo fetus that joined the world and lived for a month in a plastic box before venturing out onto foreign shores while all the while developing a personality that was all her own.

in some ways it seems it couldn't possibly have been a year and in others it seems as though all of this couldn't possibly have fit into a single year.

one feeling though, that is a little unusual is the idea that i feel as though a year has passed, that i stand with some sense of perspective, a point of reference to reflect upon. i've never before got to new years day or my birthday and felt as though a new year stood before me, an old one behind, it was an arbitrary date, but i feel now as though everything is meausered out from that day. We could almost make it a new years day, being 2 months premature it's not really a true marker of her progress as reflected by age (a point of relevence up until the age of 5 apparently), so maybe we could celebrate her birthday on June 26th and save this day as something extra, i think we all deserve it. hehe. 

looking back

It's been over a year since Danielle was admitted to hospital with the impending birth of our baby daughter. I had to force myself to read back over the blog from that time, I thought it might still be too difficult to face those feelings again, for while we are a happy family, it is still easy to tap into that frame of mind that I found myself in last year. The below was written exactly a year ago, a day before the birth:

"And so everything changed again. And now we know exactly what's happening we just have to wait for it. A little in limbo, like pausing time right before something is about to happen, while knowing that the time elapsing will do nothing to prepare you or educate you for what is going to happen when you unpause. I think in a couple of days from now, when everything has settled down into some sort of consistency, I'm going to sleep like a hibernating bear."

It's strange to have such omniscient knowledge over ones own past, a dramatic irony which can powerfully foretell the future yet do nothing to stop things from happening. How little we knew a year ago, of the things which lay ahead. In fact when I think about what I said, about getting into some sense of consitency, I don't think that person would have believed anyone who told him he would not find that feeling until many months from there, and many miles too, when he found himself in Mae Sot (especially seems he thought he was going to Panama at that point, he could not have known of the coming flood which would rip through Soloy, killing and uprooting so many, and nor would those in the village for that matter, such is the useless power we hold over those characters inhabiting that past world.) It was not until we found ourselves alone and as foreigners that we were able to understand things from our own perspective, I don't think I realised that, until reading that year old entry. We were until that time beset by situations and people and had little time to consider who we are as a family. That time alone was so important for us, as being able to determine our lives for ourselves still is.

weekend

Abacus and I had a weekend to ourselves while Danielle went for a 3 day seminar in Kaikoura. I went to pick her up from creche at 2, having left work early to do so, only to find she'd gone to sleep at 1:50, and didn't wake up again until 3:40! cheeky girl. Fortunately I had a long book to pass the time with(McCarthy's Border Trilogy - it's  hella good!). We had a great weekend, despite having to negotiate a bus to go to Karori, two things I vowed never to do again, but Abacus needed to go to the doctor. Doctors by the way can be waaaaaay nicer than their secretaries! We did a lot of walking around which Abacus seemed to enjoy. I noticed everyone giggling at her and looked down to find she was smiling at everyone with her cheeky grin. 

She's started to roll around a lot to get to things, she rolled to a chair and lay there talking to it for a long time. She also loves rolling uner the clothes horse and playing with the drying clothes. Like all babies she's much more interested in such things than her toys. She's still balancing for a few seconds sitting up, she tries to push herself up into a sitting position and puts her arms in the right place, but they are just that bit too shortt that she can't get up all the way! 

It's almost been a year since we met here face to face. Hard to believe, in many ways it seems like it wasn't long ago, and in many it seems like all this couldn't have fit into a year.