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So who knows when abacus will be home? Do you know? Her jaundice levels went up again, but nothing to worry about, she's just getting used to chuggin' so much milk. It gave me an opportunity to take some photos with her goggles on which had missed out on previously.

We're still living at the hospital, there are people who have been living there for months, we won't be there that long, but no one can really give us an estimated discharge time. She needs to be good at feeding and putting on weight and so she's feeding well, really really well, but the energy exerted takes off weight and the amount of milk is causing jaundice.

They put an NG tube back in, in the hope of getting her weight up, but i'm skeptical that it will lead to her being discharged under a false pretence with a greater chance of re-addmission - but they say that won't happen. It would just be nice to know some concrete things - but after all this I don't know why I still cling to the idea that things can be predicted. Still trying to swim to the side of the torrent and find our own direction, the current will ease soon.

first bath

so we gave abacus her first bath last night. first we had to wrap her tight in a towel so she looked like a giant kebab with a head sticking out of the end (see photostreamfor funniest photo ever) and washed her face. (actually she's not that much bigger than a kebab) Then we put her in completely, and she loved it. She looked as calm as a meditative monk, just floating and moving around as much as she could. Then we dressed her in green and yellow.

she's lost a bit of weight now that she's started feeding without the tube, but that was expected. Hopefully her weight will pick up again soon. Danielle has been madly rushing from hospital to school and back to avoid them having to put the ng tube down her nose again.

Oh yeah, and i got insurance on my lost camera. Yhuss!

look mum no cords

They unplugged Abacus so we can change her now without getting wires all tangled and carry her around like a portable. She just has a monitor underneath her which you have to remember to turn off when you take her out or a really loud siren goes off (twice) and nurses get a bit freaked out. They took out her feeding tube too because she's feeding really well at the moment - it's the last step before she comes home - which should be within a few days!!!
Danielle is staying at the hospital in a room around the corner from the neonate ward, the corridor to which looks like some 70's drab hotel, complete with crappy floral paintings hung on the wall. But the bed is really comfortable. She feeds Abacus every 4 hours, so nights are pretty interrupted.

So it won't be long before she is in our little flat with us.

Tonight we are giving her a bath.

changing rooms

Abacus is changing rooms to the one where she just feeds, So that's a good sign. She'll be away from all the cry babies (she doesn't cry much at all, but maybe that will change with age). She's quickly approaching 4 pounds, I'm not surprised with all the sleeping and eating.

We finally filled out her birth certificate, her now official name is:

Abacus May Catan

the professional

abacus surpassed 1700g ! she's getting a bit better at feeding now, you just have to catch her when she's awake in her zen like state - see photos - she'll suck a few times and then kind of get distracted or sleepy, but she's definately being more persistent - she better not get too good too fast or she'll come home before we move! but mostly she feeds through the tube in her nose - i wish i could feed through a tube in my nose while i slept - she pulled it out midfeed the other day, so now it's taped on tight.

my new camera came already - in matte black - so there's new photos up.

also. about the house, there are catalogues for kitchen sinks and fixtures, and there's one fixture called "the professional" - hrm, when you think in terms of a professional dishwasher it doesn't seem that flash, and I'm sure it would be out of price range for someone who actually held that title.

what changed ?

so, I guess i never really explained how we'd come to accept the fact that abacus has downs syndrome and how our opinions changed so rapidly.

well.

i guess we decided that we were making decisions based on our own reactions to having a disability, and that decision was baseless, you can't know someone else unless you give up all knowledge of yourself, and then you are stranded without an external perspective, so the exercise is pointless.

We have no idea how Abacus will relate to the world she is in, and all we can do is offer her everything she needs.

and the learning will be reciprocal. and the experience will be one that few get. and we hope to experience the other too, oneday, maybe soon.

And also, few friends or family came to us with words of sorrow. Sometimes i wondered if they knew she had downs, but they did, they were just excited to see her, they didn't care, they asked a few questions here and there about it, but mainly they just loved her and thought she was cute, and they loved us and were happy for us.

A while back Danielle postulated whether there were a few words that could make someone cry, in the same way words can make you laugh. And it turns out there are. Near strangers and one time acquaintances have been brought to tears when we tell them, and I don't quite understand the reaction, whether they're crying for us or for her or for the uncertainty of life in general. Their eye's sparkle and they catch a lump in their throat, but are soon talking positively, whether it be a spiritual connection or just optimism, they don't reside too long in the empty half of the glass.

There are still pangs. Maybe there always will be, but this is who Abacus is, and she was never going to be anyone else.

packing it on

Abacus climbed above 1600g today. She graduated from her incubator into an open top crib, and was wearing clothes. She's definitely starting to look a bit more plump, though new born babies still look like gigantic mutants next to her. She's chugging heaps of milk, about 35mls every 3 hours and everything else is still really good, breathing wise and glucose wise etc.

she kind of squeeks like a mouse sometimes when she's sleeping which is pretty cute. They were saying she could be out in as little as 2 weeks, which seems crazy to me, she's still so small, but she's so strong that they have little reason to keep her in. It would be good if she could stay until we move into our house, but it would be good to not have to go visit her too, like she was someone else's baby.